


Poems and things that are Poetry-adjacent

by Khush_i



Category: Original Work
Genre: Atheism, Body Horror, Dissociation, Gen, I mean it's not prose, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Kinda? Like i think it is, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Prose Poem, Religion, So I guess it's a verse, Suicidal Thoughts, and changes are plenty hard, i love referencing myths sm, i'm not as well-adjusted as i thought, icarus allusions, not quite but my imagery tends towards it, poem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2020-10-18 11:44:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20638625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khush_i/pseuds/Khush_i
Summary: Poetry, or more accurately, vents in verse format





	1. Chapter 1

Lost  
In a maze  
That doesn't exist

Trapped  
In a cage  
Of my own making

Except  
I don't remember

When  
And why

What are  
These creations

Where  
Did they come from

What  
Is going on

Can someone please  
Save me

I think  
I'm drowning  
Within myself


	2. Chapter 2

"I deserve to die."  
I think,  
For no discernable reason

God save me  
I would say  
Cept I don't believe there is a god

Afterall  
If there was one  
Why would I need saving


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know who I am.

I have these memories, though they are sparse. I see this reflection and feel these limbs.

But this is not me.

Fiction is real. And this reality is fake.

I'm floating.

Ugh, my head is aching.

I crash back on earth. The pain is too sharp to actually remember however.

Around others I feel like a person. The moment they are gone, I forget.

I'm disgusting. I'm amazing. I'm wrong. I'm the only right.

Yet, even as I think so, even as the pendulum swings, I don't quite exist.

Pain is good.

I can't remember but at least I can't think either.


	4. Chapter 4

You used to be  
The other hand of my soul

We used to be  
So in sync

I thought you understood  
I thought we would always be

But now  
Now now now

You, my soul sister,  
Who knew my everything

Now we barely talk  
We are practically strangers

How did we go  
From sharing every secret  
To knowing hardly a thing  
About each other?


	5. Chapter 5

What happened? I cry  
But I know  
What happened

We grew up  
We grew different  
And we grew apart

We can still talk  
But not like before  
'We' don't exist anymore

I won't cry  
An ending is a beginning  
'We' are no longer but you and I remain

I need to let go  
Step back  
And then I can still have you

It will differ  
And it will hurt to remember  
But the story isn't over yet

You and I still mean something to each other  
Even if we have change  
So I will move on

And let it all change


	6. Chapter 6

I love you  
(I worship you)

You don't care  
(You never did)

You ask for me and I come running  
(You ask and ask but never what I want)

I help you  
(And drown in the process)

You don't treat me like a person  
(You don't understand that I am a person)

I would settle for friendship  
(You just use me)

I thought you perfect  
(You think me resilient)

I am wrong  
(As are you)

You don't know me  
(I never knew you)

I don't love you  
(You never loved me)


	7. Chapter 7

I think I don't know what love is  
Or at least, I don't know how to love

Not without giving and giving and giving  
Until I'm hollow

I think I have never loved  
Only served

Because to love someone, for me,  
Seems equal to servitude


	8. Chapter 8

I always knew  
That desire was fire

And that care  
Was the warmth of home

So what does it say about me  
That I burn myself to warm you

Go up in flames  
Until even ash is not left

Do I desire you  
Or care for you

Maybe it's both  
Or even neither

Which is it  
Tell me


	9. Chapter 9

I'm not well  
I'm not fine

It's all too much  
And I'm not enough

I can't talk  
I can't think

I just want someone  
To stand by me

To be there  
Without speaking

I don't want assumptions  
I just need to be seen


	10. Chapter 10

I'm counting  
Counting, counting, counting

I'm nothing  
Nothing, nothing, nothing

I'm preparing for my life  
But I ain't living it

I know it's bad  
I know I messed up

Life is for living  
But I'm stuck waiting

Stop looking  
Stop wishing

But I can't  
There's nothing else in my head

It's all I can think of  
My personal hell

It's a prison of my making  
And no-one even knows it exists


	11. Chapter 11

I know I can't stop  
That's not how it works  
I'm in too deep  
And I don't quite wanna leave

But I'll put on the brakes  
Slow down as much as I can bear  
I know where I'm heading  
And it ain't nowhere good

So I won't stop counting  
But I'll keep living alongside  
I wanna see too much  
So I'll settle for less

I won't fix it  
But I'll deal  
(That's what I always do)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I am not blessed_   
_But I want and I want_

Do you ever feel  
You were meant for more  
Did you ever think  
You were special or chosen

No  
Though I wish I did  
I want to be more  
Even if I'm not chosen

Is there gold flowing through your veins  
Does lightening crackle in your bones

My blood runs red  
My bones are brittle calcium  
I am not otherworldly  
Just plain simple mortal

I am not a cut above the rest  
I am not destined for greatness  
I have no magic  
And am no prodigy

But I have the hunger  
To be more than I am  
Who cares if I'm not favoured  
Tell it to the void yawning in me

I'm empty inside  
Clawing for what I want  
I'll be a legend  
Even if it's not written in the stars

I'll spill my red love  
And write with it my own prophecy  
Take out my brittle bones  
And engrave in them purpose

I am nothing special  
Just another person  
But ambition is written in every crease of my skin  
And I **will** become what I am not

And when I'm done  
Fire won't touch me and trees will bow  
The stars will dance for me and fate itself will yield to me  
And it will. Still. Not. Be. Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have feelings about _Chosen One_ stories


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i would rather be burnt_   
_than drown_

When we are younger  
They tell us to reach for the stars

A little bit older  
And we are taught of Icarus

As the years go on  
Caution increases

And at the end of it  
We die before having lived


	14. Chapter 14

I've always thought panic felt like drowning  
Rather surprising really  
Considering I feel most at ease when I'm underwater

It's like there's a rock in my throat  
And my lungs have caved in

My limbs won't stop shaking  
Feels like there's a siren inside my head

I can't breathe or think  
Through the haze of the attack  
And it feels like I'm slippin under with no handholds

Maybe not so surprising  
I feel most at ease in water  
(Sometimes I wonder if being land bound is a curse)

Of course panic feels like drowning  
There's no place I can imagine drowning  
Except in the air, on open open land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makes no real sense, but I need it outside my head so...


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _So you can drag me through hell_  
_If it meant I could hold your hand_  
\- Bring Me The Horizon

Sometimes I think  
That I am not made for love  
For friendships and gentles touches  
And sweet sweet laughter

It is not that I think myself unloveable  
Or incapable of loving  
Just that it is not  
Meant for me

I am made for a world  
Of knights and princesses  
Masters and faithful followers  
I am meant for loyalty and use

I can pledge myself to others  
If they would just allow me to stay  
I don't mind being stabbed in the back  
As long as I'm held in their hands

I don't understand beyond this  
I know to give my support  
And to receive company  
I don't understand what else is there

I don't want love  
I think sometimes  
Just to hand myself over  
To one who'll take advantage perhaps, but always keep me by their side


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: violent intrusive thoughts

Slit my wrist  
Break my jaw

Slice and crush  
Wet and cracked

I can almost  
Feel it

<s>idontwanttoidontwanttoidontwantto  
pleasemakeitstop</s>

My brain is waging  
War against me

I can taste the blood  
See the bruise

I have lost control  
If I ever had it

So I sit and imagine  
My rotting carcass

<s>imakesmesick  
iwantittobereal</s>

I am diseased  
There is no hope for me

I am beyond  
Salvation

But maybe if  
I scream loud enough

_I can pretend to be normal_


	18. Chapter 18

I'm falling into the black chasm  
Save me

The ink is thick and stick  
It does not let me breathe

My vision is shadowed  
And my bones leaded

My skin is peeling  
And my voice has left

All there is, is darkness  
Not even tears to cry remain

I am drowning and there is no escape  
No rest even at the bottom

My ankles have an anchor secured to them  
Still I swim up

I hollow out my bones  
And fill them with the gold of ambition

The void feeds me only poison  
My lungs choose to thrive on it

Eyeless and throatless  
But still I have my hands and feet

I shed my skin  
To begin anew

As long as there is blood in my veins  
I can save myself

So I burn away the muck  
Light myself on fire so I cannot be claimed

I am always being dragged down  
But never will I be stopped


End file.
